Oh, the thinks you can think (in 2009)

6/23/2009 –– I know that with every mistake I make comes a lesson to learn, but that doesn’t relieve the sick feeling in my stomach whenever I make one. I don’t like messing up. I am not very partial to making someone disappointed in me; especially someone I care about.

I’ve learned to think before I speak, now I just have to learn how to think before I act. I think I can, I think I can. I will. I am going to. When the next chance arises to act, I am going to think first. It’s time to let that common sense that I claim to possess shine through and help me make important decisions. Wish me luck for my future full of decision-making.

_________________________________________________

Without even meaning to, a friend of mine inspired me to browse through posts I’ve saved as drafts over the years. Again, without even meaning to, he inspired me to read through them and try to piece together what was going on when I wrote the drafts. So here goes nothing.

Adam had just graduated from high school. Here I am with my three older brothers:

My dress was rather revealing and I've always suspected Trevor purposely held his program like that over my chest.
My dress was rather revealing and I’ve always suspected Trevor purposely held his program like that over my chest.

I looked back into my archives and found this post, but I don’t know what half the shit I listed even means now.

2009 was also the year Jordan graduated from St. Bonaventure:

We look thrilled.
We look thrilled.

And Grady, Jordy’s Golden Retriever, looked like this:

Baby Grady.
Baby Grady.

And I even have a screenshot of the music I listened to as I wrote that draft on my mom’s iMac:

Screenshot 2014-01-14 14.49.24

As for the content of the post, it’s still pretty accurate. I hate the thought of disappointing people, especially those of whom I feel immense respect for. Like my 15-year-old self, I don’t believe half of the compliments people give me. I’ll always feel like there’s more I can do, more I can be. I didn’t spend much time on the work I produced for my current internship and cringed every time I saw my boss’s name pop up in my inbox. I thought she’d be disappointed with my work. On the contrary, she was thrilled and even invited me back for a second internship this semester.

Thinking before speaking is definitely a newly acquired skill of mine. Who knew it would take me five years to really follow through on those claims I made in that draft? I also think more about what company I’m in and try to tailor what I want to say. There are so many ways one can offend another person without even realizing it. “It’s my mouth I can say what I want to,” Miley sings. Yeah. But sometimes you really really can’t. Sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all. You may not believe me, but I can be quiet. Except when my mom and I are in a silent church and she makes me laugh. But that’s another story.

I don’t know what was going on in my teenage-girl brain in that draft, but at least I know that my age and my life may change, but my values don’t have to.

 

Draft 1 of 97 complete.

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