An 18th Century “rape” and some Johnson

I have a test in my English class at 10 a.m. that I probably should be studying for right now, but I can’t focus. All I know is Achitophel tricks Absalom, the bastard child, into believing he deserves the throne and some sort of rebellion ensues. They’re mad about the Catholic religion invading the monarchy or some shit like that so they rebel. Religion is such a silly thing to argue over.

I know enough about J-Swift and his “modest” proposal, thanks to my ninth-grade Honors English class. And that guy Gulliver? Man, he really put up with a lot of shit with those damn Brobdingnagians. But I can totally relate with his view on beauty and beautiful people; sometimes people and body parts get uglier when you see them up close. Or when makeup is removed from faces. Or when you actually meet someone in person after being fooled by his/her deceptive Facebook photo for weeks. Or months. Or years. Please give Nev Schulman a call if it’s been years. You’re kind of an idiot. 

Don’t even get me started on “The Rape of the Lock.” Belinda completely overreacts to the “rape” of her lock. Life isn’t all that bad, Belinda. It’s just hair, Belinda. I myself look like a boy with my short hair, Belinda. Here’s a link to an article I’ve been referencing this week, Belinda. Chill out and read it.  

Oh, Samuel Johnson, thanks for telling me I am going to make a mark on the world due to my college edumacatedness. It is my understanding that, back in your time, college-educated individuals were rare, hence your sentiment here on college graduates’ success. Now a bachelor’s means about the same as a high school diploma and master’s degrees replace bachelors’. But my life adviser told me yesterday that yes, Emily, you will be applying to graduate schools across the country. Maybe I’ll make my mark on the world after I gain a little more knowledge.

Back to the ever-present beauty contest of life, Johnson goes on in “The Vanity of Human Wishes” to say that, if you have a pretty face, you’re probably dumb as a rock. And the longer you live, the longer you suffer, so don’t wish for the elixir of life. I think 80 seems like a good age to die and I don’t really think I’m dumb as a rock. So what does that mean?

Johnson gained some respect in my book when I skimmed the SparkNotes of  read “The Life of Samuel Johnson, LL.D.” Johnson never attended his tutoring sessions in college. He had far better things to do. I can relate to that. I’ve spent the class period for the aforementioned English class responding to emails and searching for internships. Seemed far more productive to me.

On the plus side, after this exam in approximately eight hours I can stop pretending I’ve been reading that massive Norton Anthology of English Literature all semester. Keeping up a charade is exhausting. So go change your profile picture(s) to one that actually looks like you.

I really don’t quite understand how I related my English work to Catfish, but here’s a pic.
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