Since this is a personal blog, let’s get a little more personal.
My self-esteem took a blow this past week. I woke up Sunday morning not knowing how I got in my own bed. I still barely remember what happened the night before. Then it hit me. Somebody had to take care of me.
Me. The self-sufficient be-your-own-person know-it-all.
Me. The girl who doesn’t like losing control.
I lost control. I’ve never lost that much control before.
And now, almost a week later, I still feel like shit about it. I hate that people saw me like that. I hate some of the things I said. I hate that I barely remember.
Now I’m doubting everything about myself. Where did the self-confident Emily go? She must be buried deep under old successes I still live for and old mindsets that I currently do not possess.
I feel like every person is my enemy. Just last week, I walked around campus talking to random people and smiling. I looked up as I walked, since my mom always tells me it exudes confidence. This week, I’ve found it easier to stare at the ground (yes, the sun has been out, but it’s not an excuse I can use). Now I feel like each look is a judgment from other people. I’m afraid people won’t like me. I’m afraid I’ve come off too strong. (Emily didn’t used used to give two shits about this before.)
The happy-go-lucky Emily stepped out for the time being. I wish I could call her back.
So, those of you who do dislike me, you can be happy that the self-confident know-it-all is in hibernation.
Those of you who do care, just smile at me when you see me. It’ll help.