To be honest…

To be perfectly honest, you’re NOT being honest. And truth is, you’re NOT telling the truth. You’re just posting it as your status to see how many “likes” you can get and then you try to be really nice to the people who “liked” it. It’s networking. That’s all it is.

The people I’m glad I don’t have to see everyday at school are now 10x more annoying on Facebook than they used to be. (You might ask, “Emily, why don’t you just delete your Facebook account?” and I will reply, “If I did, I’d have nothing to bitch about!”)

I’ve ranted about Facebook before, but not this particular issue (I’ve covered profile pictures and such before). Now, I’m all about statuses. I DON’T CARE TO KNOW YOUR STUPID AGENDA FOR THE DAY, OKAY?!?!? I’m not your “friend” so that I can know what you’re doing every minute of the day. I also DON’T CARE where you are. “Sally Sue is at Olive Garden with Billy Bob and three other people.” Yeah, I don’t really care. You’re just asking for it if your profile isn’t private. What if some creepy rapist guy is keeping close tabs on you? You’re just feeding him the information.

In the end, it’s truly what people say and post that drive me nuts. Mostly because, A.) They can’t spell worth shit. B.) They really brag it up when they want you to know something (ex: Being at the Lady Gaga concert and updating every second. That’s annoying.) C.) They’re usually bored and post things the world just doesn’t care about.

I love this line from the movie Easy A when Mr. Griffith says, “I don’t know what your generation’s fascination is with documenting your every thought… but I can assure you, they’re not all diamonds. ‘Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof.’ Who gives a rat’s ass?”

Exactly. Thank you!

Lately, though, my news feed has been flooded with “Truth is…” statements and “To be honest…” statements that are neither telling the truth OR being honest. I’ve never done this before with my status (if I did, I’d be a hypocrite), but I have desperately wanted to. I’m sure nobody would like my status, though, because they know I can be a bitch and that I WILL tell my honest opinion. That’s just how I am. I’m not going to feed people a lie so that they can feel good about themselves and I can get another friend or two (I don’t need anymore friends from around here). So, I’m going to go through my Facebook right now and write a couple of “Truth is…” statements for the people I really want to write them for. Hope you enjoy (and no, names will not be added and yes, these could get to be quite rough).

1.) Truth is, you look like an Oompa Loompa with all of that makeup on your face. You’re prettier without it.

2.) Truth is, I cannot understand you. You were friends with this girl one minute and now you just hate her guts. How can you just do that complete 180? I feel bad for you.

3.) Truth is, you have too many car problems and drive like a bat out of Hell. Maybe you shouldn’t be on the road? Yeah, I think that would be the safest option for all of us.

4.) Truth is, NOBODY CARES that you lost your $300 sunglasses. You’re stupid for even spending that much ON A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES, anyway.

5.) Truth is, I love that you know I don’t like you. And I love that you obsess over it and talk about it with a bunch of people. It makes me laugh. 🙂

6.) Truth is, I think you’re a dumb ass. Was that truthful enough for you?

7.) Truth is, I can’t believe you had the nerve to come to my grad party (since you definitely weren’t invited).

8.) Truth is, your voice is super annoying and you’re not the naturally cute little blonde everyone thinks you are. Your hair color is fake and your weight is fake. Yes, I remember ninth grade. Do you?

9.) Truth is, I agree with a lot of people about your appearance.

10.) Truth is, I have no idea how you get your hair to look like that! It defies gravity EVERY SINGLE DAY. It’s really ugly.

11.) Truth is, until our class reunion, I’m glad I won’t have to put up with you running the show.

12.) Truth is, we know you have a boyfriend and that you love him. Stop posting it.

13.) Truth is, you’re really really disgusting. I honestly don’t want to find myself anywhere near your for fear that I may be exposed to an STI of some sort.

14.) Truth is, I don’t know you, but you DON’T seem really nice. You seem like a spoiled brat and I’m not looking forward to spending time with you.

15.) Truth is, I’m super disappointed in you and am still hurt from what you did to me. I can’t believe you chose to be friends with someone who will just keep hurting you again and again when I was always right here.

 

That’s as many as I care to do today (I WISH I COULD POST THEM ON FACEBOOK, but you see why I can’t, right?). Hope you enjoyed my bitchy rant and I hope you liked reading all fifteen of these!

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