You know it’s bad when the girl who used to blog constantly suddenly stops pressing the keys on her keyboard. I haven’t felt like ranting; I feel like all I do is bitch and moan. I haven’t felt like complaining about some things because I want you, the readers, to think I have everything in my life under control. I haven’t felt like showing any weakness. I guess that’s my biggest thing. I try so hard to be that strong woman (you know the type – the one that is the breadwinner in the family and still manages to get the laundry done and cook dinner every single night – that type of woman) that sometimes I forget to show my weaknesses.
When I was younger and wrote on this blog (I was fourteen when I started writing as blackbyrd), I knew I could trust those whom I knew would read my posts. I talked about my blog so much that other friends started their own on WordPress. I was the spokesperson for this website in my neck of the woods. My brother had one, I got one, and then around ten other people I know started blogs as well. At that point, I started to wish that I had not told people I know about my blog. There are times when I want to write extremely personal things, but halt with my fingers just over the keys and mull over who could possibly read what I plan on writing. That’s usually when I stop. I think of that one person, and I stop. Then I curse my foolish fourteen-year-old self.
And then I wrote that one post that seriously changed everything. I don’t regret it. I mean everything that I put into writing, why else would I write it? But ever since then, nothing has been the same, and I’ve tiptoed around on WordPress. I’m stuck. I love blackbyrd so much, but have seriously considered getting up and moving. I might just change the domain, but that would change everything. Nothing would be the same.
Blogs used to come so easily for me, but now they are harder than ever. It’s hard to write something when you feel like someone is breathing down your neck, just waiting to criticize every word that pours out.