I’m scared

Lately I have been having a hard time accepting things. Namely the fact that once a moment is over, I can never get it back. All I can do is remember. That’s what really hits me hard.

I don’t cherish school days. Those are going to constantly be churning for the next eight months. I have plenty of those moments left. No, it’s the little things and moments that happen in my life that I’m scared to lose after they happen. After Homecoming, I told myself to cherish the feeling of the hot water bubbling around me and the pleasant conversation exchanging between the three (and at one point, four) of us. I told myself to live it because it would soon be gone. Now, all I can do is remember. And, it bugs me.

What also gets me is that I will have an amazing time with a certain group of people, but the sad fact is that the odds of being in the company of these same certain people are very slim. Especially once this year is over and some of them head off to college to begin the second part of their lives.

I’m scared that I’ll wake up and look in the mirror to find my 25-year-old self staring back and not know where the hell the time went. I’m scared about the future. I know that I want to get married and have a kid or two, but what is frightening is that I can’t see beyond that daydream. I can’t picture what my kids will look like or who my husband will be. I know it’s going to happen eventually, but that’s all I know. And, that scares me.

I’m scared that I’ll wake up and greet the morning of my very last day on Earth without even knowing it.

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One thought on “I’m scared

  1. I have goosebumps. You’ve regurgitated a massive amount of thinking that’s very similar to what’s been churning through my head for the past few months.

    : ( You’re right, though: I guess all we can do is remember. And if we happen to die in the next five days, hours, minutes, well… I don’t know. I guess the most that can be said is that we’d have lived as much as we did, as much as we could.

    That’s mostly what I’m terrified of: not living, not doing what I could when I could.

    Seriously, these chills aren’t going away. Yikes.

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